The Field Marshal's New Year Honours List

Some Keeley Hazell (and friends) boobs to compensate for a disappointing year in video games

This year's awards have been the source of some serious head-scratching. Not only did I already know which game had taken the top slot back in February, but also there was very little else of any value released, or at the very least played, in the time since. This follows 2009 when I had already failed to award a full quota of medals due to lack of contenders. What the fuck is wrong with gaming at the moment? Of course, what's wrong with gaming is consoles. Console games are largely shit, and developers are so busy fellating Microsoft and Sony that PC gaming has taken a serious hit. Even established PC titles like Call of Duty (Modern Warfare was awarded the coveted Bennett Service Order in 2007, lest we forgot) have been run into the ground in the rush to make them as accessible and retard-friendly as possible.

Honourable Mentions
Despite awarding Dragon Age the Bennett Service order for 2009, 2010 was the year I actually got around to completing it. After a slightly shaky start it improves greatly although the combat is still too old-fashioned. Just Cause 2 was very impressive, but more in the tech-demo sense than as a coherent gaming experience. I could never really be bothered to spend much time with it, so while it's certainly an honourable mention it doesn't seem right to bestow upon it a more prestigious award.

Dishonourable Mentions
Mafia 2 could have been great and featured a great engine, but managed to be shit. Irrespective of whether it was due to the publishers fucking with the game in order to maximise the DLC potential, or just simple incompetence on the part of the developers, it was a very poor piece of work.
Red Dead Redemption might be a great game, but I wouldn't know because Rockstar haven't seen fit to release a PC version. Cunts.

So that was certainly an underwhelming conclusion to the year. Instead, let's have a brief look at some of the forthcoming releases due in 2011 (until they're pushed back).

Crysis 2

This should be the cause of much rejoicing, but contrary to claims made by idiots who believe this will be the long-overdue debut of a proper, next-gen game engine, experienced pundits are aware that it's not so much "Crysis 2" as "Crysis for Consoles". Don't expect CryEngine 3 to be nearly as revolutionary as its predecessor, unless you're a console gamer and never played the original on account of it being a PC exclusive. And lets not forget that the original Crysis wasn't exactly a masterpiece in the game play department, especially in the latter stages. Factor in the dumbed-down, dual-mode nanosuit and it's not looking good. This game is definitely on the "meh" list.

Test Drive Unlimited 2

Should have been released in 2010, and if it had been then maybe I would have had another title with which to pad out the awards. As it is I still know very little about the game, other than the fact that I enjoyed the original a great deal.

The Witcher 2

This is a big one, for me at least. The original Witcher was a fantastic piece of work and still puts the likes of Dragon Age to shame. The combat might have been somewhat basic, but the sheer atmosphere of the game is unmatched. I do have some concerns regarding the follow-up, in particular the dubious and in my opinion entirely unwarranted redesign of Geralt. Still, that aside it's looking good, and even if it's no better than the original, it will still be a great game and a potential Bennett Cross for 2011.

Mass Effect 3

Personally I doubt that this will see the light of day in 2011, and if it does then that raises doubts about the quality of the game. I suspect ME3 will be built on the same technology as ME2 and so will do little more than continue (and theoretically complete) the ME story. That would be a shame, considering the technological advances made for ME2. As much of a ME fan as I have become, I can't help feeling a certain trepidation with respect to the next chapter.

Dragon Age 2

I find it strangely hard to care about this game. There are reports that a lot will be different in part 2, mostly things which fans of the original are up in arms about, but things which seem entirely justified to me, like reducing the dialogue options so that your character can have proper voice acting like in Mass Effect. Or more streamlined, less wanky combat that isn't designed for people playing PnP games in the 80s. So it could be a vast improvement over an already serviceable game, or else it could be more console trash. Time will tell.

Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim

Very little is known about this game right now, thanks to an entirely worthless pre-rendered teaser being the only proof of the game's existence. With only 11 months until its supposed release, it's difficult to make any predictions although I guarantee old-school RPG players will find loads of shit to complain about. And if they don't seriously improve the levelling mechanics, voice acting and storyline after Oblivion, I will have complaints of my own.

Rage

All the id fans are working themselves into a masturbatory frenzy already, and I don't even know when this game's supposed to ship, but I predict that it will massively fail to live up to expectations. id have basically been releasing the same game over and over again since the original Doom, trading mostly on John Carmack's impressive engine technology with little thought or innovation evident in the game design. Not only will Rage be more of the same (albeit with vehicles), it'll also be a console release and therefore probably trash.

Diablo 3

Another game which I'm not sure we'll see in 2011. As someone who was never really into the original I'm not weighed down by historical baggage and so rather than bitching about the colourful graphics I'll at least be able to judge the game on its own merits.

Guild Wars 2

Who knows if we'll see anything from Arena Net in 2011. I would guess a beta or two would be likely, if not the final game. I do have high hopes for the game, on the basis that ANet have something of a history of doing things their own way rather than ploughing the same WoW-clone furrow as everyone else. On the other hand, GW went steadily downhill with the release of the later chapters, including an ever-increasing emphasis on grindy titles that doesn't bode well for the sequel.

I've just noticed that every single one of these games with the exception of Rage is a sequel. Although given that id have been remaking the same game over and over again since Doom 1, that's not saying much.