Review of the Year: 2008

Fernanda Lamin

It's been a slightly underwhelming year for PC gaming. A lot of publishers shot their load at the end of 2007 which left something of a drought in 2008. Assassin's Creed and Mass Effect (more about the latter in a future post) made it to the PC this year despite being released on the consoles in 2007. Assassin's Creed was shit, despite Jade Raymond's best efforts to convince us otherwise.

The Witcher: Enhanced Edition was released, and given away for free to the likes of me who bought the original game, and that was definitely one of the highlights of the year. Essentially that's another 2007 game, though, so it doesn't really count.

Far Cry 2 was released and went on to secure the prestigious Bennett Cross in my New Year Honours. It has been a bumpy ride for the game, with a large number of people determined to slag it off at every available opportunity. It was this ferocious reaction that made it clear to me that a large number of gamers have simply forgotten how to enjoy games. They are too intent on trying to prove their skillfulness to each other and demonstrate how hardcore and old school they are by "beating" games as quickly as possible and then boasting about how easy they found it on various forums.

Unfortunately FC2 wasn't designed to cater to that play style, which many people mistook (and continue to mistake) for a flaw in the game. Your ADD is not a flaw in FC2, it's a flaw in you. FC2 is designed to be more free-roaming, more relaxed (at least, between fire fights), more slow-paced and ultimately much more immersive. Compared with FC2, traditional FPS games are more like theme parks rides, where condensed set-pieces are served up in bite-sized chunks for the casuals. "Welcome to Arab-World. If you would like to disembark from the bus you will be provided with location-appropriate weapons and may take part in a short historical scenario in which you are invited to shoot some evil terrorists. When complete, please return to the bus and we will continue to Eastern Europe World".

What's particularly amusing (and frustrating) is when people actually have the nerve to claim that some of the theme park shooters are more "open" than FC2. Seriously, I've seen posts claiming that FC2 is not as large and open as FC1 or Crysis, or complaining that it's not really open and just as linear as conventional shooters because you have to go around the big hills. The mind boggles. People who are that stupid should be put down at birth.

Of course this whole elitism bullshit isn't just endemic within the FPS "community". If anything it has been around even longer with MMOs. Speaking of which, 2008 saw the overdue release of both Age of Conan and Warhammer.

"AoC ... is currently name-checked by anyone and everyone who writes a tedious, self-important, wanky "leaving" post on the forums of current MMOs. "waaaah this game sucks, Age of Conan will be so much better". I confidently predict that it won't. In fact I confidently predict both games will be shit, and will see plenty of their own leaving posts shortly after release."

That's right, those prophetic words were authored by my good self, exactly one year ago. And it is with enormous satisfaction that I note how entirely correct I was. The backlash against AoC was enormous, following hype that was not so much due to marketing as deluded idiots who wanted to get one over on the other MMO gamers they couldn't pursuade to leave their previous games such as Vanguard. When it became obvious that they had hitched their wagon to the wrong horse, much to the amusement of everyone who told them so, they turned on AoC itself.
Then the whole monotonous cycle began again, as AoC quitters began to fly the Warhammer flag. The Warhammer backlash wasn't quite as catastrophic, because by that time the channal-flippers had finally learned to shut the fuck up. I haven't heard a lot from the Warhammer camp for some time, but I think it's safe to say it's not the WoW-killer some people thought it would be. Next up: Darkfall Online.

While I'm on the subject of smug "told you so"'s, let's not forget what I had to say about the forthcoming Spore last year:

Yes, it makes for very impressive tech demos ... Unfortunately I can only imagine it being incredibly dull to "play". Maybe if you're into all that Civilisation/Sim City sort of stuff it'll be ok. However, I predict that a lot of people who aren't will buy into the hype and then shelve the game soon after they've installed it.

Pretty much on the money, I'd say, although even the veteran god game fans seemed massively underwhelmed by it. Definitely a victim of the hype machine. But I told you so.

Ultimately 2008 was the year of Steam, for me at least. Thanks to the various holiday and weekend sales I added a large number of games to my list. Some were great, like Max Payne 1 & 2, some were entertaining like Overlord and Shadowgrounds Survivor, some not so much, like Two Worlds. Some I have yet to pass judgement on, like Stalker/Clear Sky, Vampire: The Masquerade and Titan Quest. Then there's GRID, Tomb Raider: Underworld and Mass Effect. So it doesn't seem right to claim it has been a bad year for games, even if some of those games were appropriated from previous years.

Totty Troop Rankings

2008 was the year when I founded the Field Marshal's "Totty Troop". This is an elite unit dedicated to allowing me to catagorise and tier pretty women according to how attractive I, as sole arbiter, perceive them to be, in a brutally misogynistic non-satire of effeminate modern sexual politics.

Now that I've got the tedious gaming-related awards out of the way, it's time to get down to the serious business of looking at pictures of hot women, and awarding the first T-Troop annual promotions.


Captain

The Captain rank in T-Troop is more of an "honourary mention" than an active rank, and as such I feel that Denise Milani is more than qualified. While she does teeter on the edge of cartoon freak on account of her outrageously large breasts, she just about manages to pull off a certain level of charm.

Capt Rosie Jones is one of the new kids on the British glamour circuit, and while she offers an exceptionally fine, young figure, she has yet to shake off a somewhat chavvy image.

Major

Maj Gemma Atkinson has done some stirling work promoting her exceptional breasts, namely by getting them seriously enlarged in a vain attempt to break out from the "ex-teen-soap actress" pack. I don't foresee much future advancement unless she takes a leaf out of Lucy Pinder's book and goes proper topless at the very least.

Previously described by me as the "poor man's Monica Bellucci", Maj Megan Fox is as yet relatively low on the career ladder, but it's still early days for the young actress and with some judicious career management, namely stripping off as often as possible and possibly getting a minor boob enhancement, we could see great things from the girl in the future.

Maj Katie Fey shares some simularities with Rosie Jones in terms of appearance, but has managed to achieve a higher rank by virtue of her willingness to go full-frontal, and for having a substantial catalogue of glamour work behind her.

Maj Fernanda Lamin is a new entry, after I added her as what will be the last Bennett Girl of 2008. I don't know anything about her, except that her slightly wonky nose might limit future career advancement within T-Troop.

Lieutenant Colonel

Despite hawking shit games for a living under the lame pretence of being a "producer", Jade Raymond has nevertheless brought a much appreciated and long overdue element of classy glamour to gaming. For her efforts she is hereby awarded the distinguished rank of Lt Col Raymond.

Lt Col Kim Kardashian is essentially a nobody, just another anonymous LA socialite with a rich daddy and a sex tape. She does, however, have a remarkable figure that is more than worthy of gaining rank in T-Troop. If she could do something about her horsey face, she might have risen higher still.

Colonel

Officer Kelly Brook was an inaugural T-Troop General, but following some internal restructuring she has been reclassified as a Colonel. This is in no way indicative of poor performance, or in any sense a demotion, but rather a simple renaming of her existing rank. Col Brook has been a regular Bennett girl and currently holds the record for most appearances outside of a TftD feature.

Col Keeley Hazell is probably the queen of British glamour (i.e. topless) modelling. She has a remarkable figure with exceptional breasts which are a pleasure to look at.

Col Holly Madison is a special kind of sloppy seconds, assuming she did actually bang ageing soft-core supremo Hugh Hefner during her time as one of his bitches. Still, at least she's pretty, unlike that hideous Kendra slag and the other one. And even though she's a blonde (in theory), her tremendous figure has earned her rank.

Brigadier

Brig Jelena Jensen leads what is, unofficially, the second tier of porn ranks in T-Troop. Maybe I should spin off a special team for porn models, that's something I'll have to think on. In the mean time, I happily welcome Brig Jensen to the upper echelons of T-Troop.

Brig Shay Laren is, to all intents and purposes, interchangeable with Brig. Jensen. A great figure, and a willingness to show it off in it's entirety are ample qualifications for this rank.

Brig Lucy Pinder leads the charge of British glamour models in T-Troop. Thanks to her admirable decision to go "tits out", she has been rewarded with the esteemed rank of Brigadier. Col Hazell might be the more "popular", but despite a somewhat fuller figure Brig Pinder is still a step up thanks to her much prettier face.

Veronika Zemanova can look anything from exceptionally hot to rough as old boots depending on who shot the pictorial, and how old she was at the time. God only knows how many boob jobs the woman has had, but on a good day she is sensationally hot, so as a compromise she is awarded the rank of Brigadier.

Major General

Congratulations to Maj Gen Aria Giovanni for achieving the highest rank to date for a porn model. Years of dedication to showing us every sublime inch of her body, in addition to her adorable face, have certainly paid off for her.

Eva Wyrwal is arguably a player in the British glamour scene, despite being Polish I believe. In any case she has managed to rocket into a serious T-Troop rank thanks to being outrageously hot. She appears to be making moves into the mainstream following a time modelling for the distinguished likes of MET, and if we lose her to the topless circuit after some exceptional nude work it will be a great loss.

Maj Gen Lena Headey is seriously wasted on the rather uneaven Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. She deserves to be working on something with a great deal more class, because she looks much hotter cleaned up than she does running around fighting robots.

Lieutenant General

Lt Gen Salma Hayek was the very first Bennett Girl, back in October 2007. Since then she has worked tirelessly to provide us with photographs of her exquisite figure and exceptional breasts. I am delighted to be able to reward her efforts with such a distinguished rank.

Lt Gen Sophie Marceau has been out of the limelight for some time, but throughout her career she has offered us mere mortals with plenty of opportunities to nod sagely in appreciation of what is an exceptional example of womanhood.

General

Now we reach the very top of the tree, and it is with great pleasure that I award the very highest rank (below my own, naturally) of General to Ms. Monica Bellucci. Gen Bellucci has provided us with an enviable catalogue of opportunities to worship her peerless beauty and plumptious breasts, undoubtedly thanks to her liberal European heritage.

The Field Marshal's New Year Honours List

It is the time no one has been waiting for. That's right, it's time to unveil the 2009 New Year Honours List. I expect to see these awards listed prominently on all future promotional literature.



The Bennett Cross
"... most conspicuous gameplay, or some daring or pre-eminent act of valour or self-sacrifice, or extreme devotion to entertainment in the presence of the enemy"

Far Cry 2

Undoubtedly the game which would win anyone's award for "game which has most drastically divided public opinion", Far Cry 2 took a bit of getting used to but has proven to be the game which has provided me with far and away the greatest amount of entertainment of any game released this year. That might sound like damning it with faint praise, but I really have grown to enjoy the game enormously.

On the other hand it has some absolutely rabid detractors, who obviously expected another glossy, linear corridor shooter like CoD4 which would lead them by the hand from one scripted set-piece to the next, quickly and efficiently, so that they could complete the game and subsequently proclaim their godlike FPS skills on message forums around the world. It turns out that trying to force your way through FC2 is the exact wrong way to approach the game, and is guaranteed to result in frustration. Stop treating missions as having single objectives, and instead treat all the checkpoints and travel and exploration as objectives in their own right and you will be rewarded with a much more satisfying, if less high-octane experience.
It's a sad fact that many gamers, especially self-styled hardcore FPS players but increasingly MMO players too, have simply forgotten how to enjoy games and have instead come to regard them as some sort of barometer of personal worth. Which, paradoxically, is in fact an accurate indication of those particular players' worthlessness.

Far Cry 2 undoubtedly has flaws, especially the handling of respawning, but it really is unmatched by any other FPS when it comes to creating an immersive, open world. Contrary to its critics' claims, the travel and exploration and sheer scale of the world are in fact a good thing and a welcome change to the claustrophobic, barely-disguised corridors of the likes of CoD4 and Crysis/Warhead. There's a decent selection of fun weapons, and setting fires never gets old. After tweaking some Vista services it has also proven to be pretty stable, and is also known to be just about the only game on earth that runs better in DX10 mode.

While 2008 hasn't been the greatest year in PC gaming FC2 doesn't lead on the honours list by default, it leads by being an excellent game.



The Bennett Service Order
"... acts of the greatest gameplay or of the most conspicuous entertainment in circumstances of extreme danger"

Steam

I don't think I ever specified that only games can qualify for Honours, and with that in mind I really have to recognise Steam as a serious force in PC gaming in general. I have previously described it as having reached "critical mass", but in 2008 the system managed to elevate itself to yet another level. With some serious third-party publishers on board, including EA and Ubisoft, I haven't had any need to look elsewhere for a new game in a long, long time.
And add to that their exceptional weekend deals which have resulted in me buying Max Payne, Overlord, Titan Quest, Vampire: The Masquerade and Stalker and more. I might not have spent much time in all of them, but at $5-$10 they are well below my "why not?" threshold.
Other download services are available, but with the possible exception of slightly questionable pricing policies (which are most likely out of Valve's control anyway), Steam has yet to disappoint and is really leading the way into a brighter future of digital distribution.



The Bennett Medal
"... acts of gallantry and devotion to game play under fire"

The Witcher: Enhanced Edition

I couldn't really justify awarding The Witcher an extra bar on its Bennett's Cross, but it still deserves another nod for its exceptional quality which is now even more polished and voluminous thanks to the Enhanced Edition. Most astonishing of all is the fact that it was given away for free to owners of the original game, so massive respect to CD Projekt for that. They seem to be working on a console version now, which hopefully won't delay any work on a sequel.

Honourable Mentions
Even though I'm not keen on playing shooters online, I must give a nod to Left 4 Dead. It comes with Valve's trademark polish, robustness and overall quality, even if it's a bit light on content and doesn't fare too well as a single-player game. It was also an audacious move to develop a game which relies on cooperative play between the feral online retards who rejoice in "pwning noobs" and simply can't comprehend the notion of cooperation, and attempt to play it competitively regardless. It's a fact that 100% of Left 4 Dead players think they're better at the game than everyone else, and think that all other players suck.

While Steam has already been honoured in its own right, it must be said that some of my greatest gaming moments of 2008 came courtesy of their special deals on older games, most notably Max Payne 1 & 2. I had managed to overlook them in the past, and it's a rare joy to happen across forgotten gems of their calibre.

Finally, big-up to Tomb Raider: Underworld, for bestowing an even more exquisitely-modelled and rendered arse on the buxom wonder, not to mention providing ample opportunities to ogle it in the underwater stages.

Dishonourable Mentions
It's a good job Jade Raymond is pretty, because Assassin's Creed, which was finally released on the PC in 2008, was a load of old toss. One of the few games I never bothered to finish because it really was that bad.

I sort of feel as if Age of Conan shouldn't be a dishonourable mention, but neither did it rise to level of those mentioned above. The game wasn't all bad, but ultimately it was a bit of a missed opportunity.

Warhammer, the other over-hyped MMO of 2008, didn't even get installed on my machine after the beta. Dumbed-down PvP in a WoW style, it felt soul-less and contrived and tedious.

Thought for the Christmas Day: Erica Campbell Megapost

Ms Campbell's been getting them out for the lads for about as long as my beloved Aria Giovanni, which is to say for donkeys' years. Still, something else she has in common with Aria is a phenomenal rack, so keep up the good work.

Merry Christmas.

Thought for the Day: Jana Defi

On the Subject of Black Mesa

Sammie Pennington

The Black Mesa HL2 mod developers have released a trailer which has caused a great deal of ooooh-ing and ahhh-ing around the internet. The mod is essentially supposed to be a faithful remake of the classic HL1, with all of the pretty bells and whistles that the Source engine now has to offer. This differs from Valve's own HL: Source in that Valve's attempt simply used the original art assets and level data but rendered with Source. As such there wasn't a great deal of difference compared with the original, except for certain effects like water which got an automatic upgrade.

That's all fine, and I concur that Black Mesa looks great. It's what HL: Source should have been, but wasn't because Valve weren't dumb enough to waste their time and energy remaking the first game when they could be working on the sequel. And that's my main issue with BM. The amount of time, effort, and undoubtedly talent that has gone into the production over the last several years is impressive, but ultimately I can't help but think to myself "what a monumental fucking waste of time". All that just to remake someone else's game. A game which most people have already played to death. It would be bad enough slaving away to produce someone else's game design the first time round, let alone doing it again for no reason. I find it slightly odd, and slightly disappointing, that they wouldn't put their considerable resources into creating something original. It's not like Valve are untouchable masters of story-writing, or story-telling for that matter. They are mostly masters of polishing games to a mirror finish.

That said, I'm sure there are practical considerations in play, such as the fact that it's probably easier to build a (volunteer) team around a tried-and-tested design than around some random yahoo's original concept. In the latter case there would be too much temptation for people to want to implement their own stupid ideas all the time, and too much opportunity for mutiny and the ultimate implosion of the mod team, something that's not rare in the mod community.

I was considering bringing up this point of view in a forum discussion, but knew instinctively what sort of retarded, defensive, closed-minded response it would provoke so I thought it was better kept to myself. I fully agree that Black Mesa looks very impressive, and given that it should be free (although I can imagine Valve buying it up, team and all, and putting it out at some nominal charge) I'm sure I'd give it a spin. One advantage of remaking a good game (certainly a better game than any of its sequels) is that there's a good chance the remake will inherit at least some of the goodness of the original.

Which is another point, incidentally. To my mind HL1, like Max Payne, is a game that despite showing its age is still very rewarding to play. In fact HL1 benefits from a clean, simple design which gave it a particular signature "look". Black Mesa will end up more like "Half-Life 2: Episode -1" and might lose some of it's charm in the process. But that's something we won't know either way until we get our grubby mitts on it. On the other hand, a "faithful remake" would be in danger of inheriting some of HL1's flaws. Such as the whole Xen section. If they really wanted to do something impressive they could ditch that whole section, and especially the shitty G-Man ending, and come up with something a lot less wanky and idiotic (whereas Valve went on to construct even more wanky and idiotic so-called story lines in HL2 and the subsequent episodes).

Anyway, keep up the good work, Black Mesa team. I read that some of them have already been poached by Valve along the way, which wouldn't surprise me. I'm sure that's what most of them are hoping for in the long run. I expect it's been a great learning experience for them, even if it hasn't resulted in anything especially new or original.



Bonus Sammie Pennington pictures:

Thought for the Day: Sora Aoi Thanksgiving Megapost

Like I give a toss about Thanksgiving, it's just an excuse to post a few of the Sora Aoi pictures I happen to have kicking around.

On the Subject of Tabula Rasa

Kelly Brook

So it appears that Tabula Rasa is the latest casualty in the Great WoW War, where armies of hapless developers attempt to bring down the almighty King of the MMO scene and are ultimately crushed. I did buy TR, tempted by promises of sci-fi goodness in the face of countless, interchangeable, medieval, dungeons and dragons, swords and sorcery grind fests. Of course really it was just the same as every other MMO, except with pew pew gun animations instead of swordplay, and its own take on magic that was no different to anyone else's.

Another casualty of the war is the reputation of Richard "Lord/General British" Garriott. Once-revered for the Ultima games which I never played, or at least some of them, Garriott looks set to follow Brad McQuaid into the MMO history books with his erstwhile genius reputation in tatters. It doesn't help that he recently bailed on TR, citing "new interests" following his trip into space. Of course the gaming world saw that as abandoning a sinking ship because that's obviously what it was. Even more so than when AoC's chief of staff quit his own ship. At least AoC is still running. For how much longer is anyone's guess.

It's sad in a way, though, because at least TR was an attempt at something different, without being as overwhelmingly different as Eve. It just suffered from being a dull idea and from mediocre execution. It wasn't at all fun when I played it. It wasn't a compelling world in which to spend time, there was nothing interesting to do there, the class tree system was interesting, and certainly had potential, but was just one-dimensional and tedious in practice. I like the idea that you develop your character into a specialised role over time rather than picking it up-front like in most games. There just wasn't any depth to the system, and it was basically just a long-winded way of getting to the class you pretty much knew you wanted from the start.

But at least the Collector's Edition was good. In fact, it still ranks as my favourite to date and was a very satisfying, well-presented package which I shall hold on to. And when I look at it in the future I will shake my head and sigh and lament the passing of another game which could have been special, but wasn't nearly special enough.