On the Subject of Prey (and Steam, and Jade Raymond)

Sophia Vergara

I picked up Prey on Steam for $5 the other week, on another one of the special weekend deals which also resulted in me grabbing Two Worlds. Except unlike TW, I actually played Prey.
I already knew it was quite short from all the forum chatter when it was originally released, although I have to say it was longer than I expected. That's the good thing about low expectations.
I thought it was ok. A bit same-y, with no real surprises and no really mind-bending puzzles once you get the hang of how spirit walking and gravity walkways work. Unsurprisingly the story was a bit shit. I don't know how whatshisname could be so infatuated with Jen, what with her bizarre elf ears. I'm trying to remember the end boss battle but I can't, even though I only beat it about a week ago, which says a lot.

Anyway definitely worth $5, but probably not much more. At least it ran well and looked ok (once I discovered that it doesn't like being run in "multi-monitor performance mode" or whatever it's called in the nvidia drivers).
Plus being on Steam means no stupid copy protection and needing the disc in the drive to play. Woohoo!

I've previously described Steam as having reached "critical mass" as a content delivery platform. Since then there's been quite a rush of new games being offered on the service, including a load of Epic games and a whole shit-load of Ubisoft stuff including Far Cry and also now Assassin's Creed (aka "Jade Raymond's Game") which naturally I picked up. Steam really does seem to have come of age, and is rapidly becoming a lot of people's first choice for buying new games, including mine. Now that Ubisoft's on board I assume we can expect Far Cry 2 to be on there when it appears.

Talking of Assassin's Creed, I'm not a big fan of padding posts with random youtube videos, but in this case I'll make an exception. Just how difficult did they have to make it to get out of that fucking game?



That's the thing about Jade Raymond, she's there to distract you from complaints about things like shitty interface design.

Here she is looking lovely.

Yes, Jade, Jade Raymond's Game Assassin's Creed is the best game EVER! Please take your top off.

Here she is looking lovely and giving a speech at a conference, the entire purpose of which was to teach players how to exit from Assassin's Creed.

'And then, it will say "Loading" again...'

Here she is looking lovely in an educational video on Gametrailers.com

'And then, you select "Exit Animus"...'

Here's Jade looking lovely and congratulating the winner of a competition to reward the first player ever to make it out of Assassin's Creed. Notice how even more petite and slim and lovely she looks next to the enormous gaming nerd. She almost manages to look relaxed and charming, rather than disgusted and irritated.

'Don't you touch me, fat boy'

Here's Jade looking lovely and showing an everso-subtle yet alluring hint of cleavage, and thereby eradicating all thoughts of AC's shit menu system.

That's it, baby, just a little bit more

Here's Jade looking lovely against an exotic view of the sea and palm trees. Imagine if that was a hotel where you and her were spending a romantic holiday together!

You're lovely, Jade. Please have my babies.

Here's a blurry picture, probably a frame grab from some video taken on someone's shitty phone. Jade Raymond looks lovely from all angles, in all lighting, even in low resolution.

Jade, Jade, lovely lovely Jade

Here's Jade looking lovely in a proper, professional promotional photograph.

How about a Jade vs. Lara bikini oil wrestling stage in the next Tomb Raider?

... aaaand right about now is the point where you've completely forgotten that Assassin's Creed even exists, let alone that is has a ludicrous menu system.

That's the magic of Jade Raymond.